How to Have a Love That Lasts beyond the “I Do’s”
I’m a Northern Utah Photographer and one of the things I am most proud of, and most happy about in my life, is the relationship I have with my partner. Being married to him has brought me so much joy, helped me grow, and helped me be the person I was meant to be. This is the reason why I love documenting LOVE with my camera!
Here are five tips I strongly believe in that create a healthy marriage beyond the “I do’s”!
Have Fun with Your Partner
It is so easy, once you’re married, to get into the routine of working, eating dinner, and then watching Netflix before bed. I am here to say that, even though I enjoy doing this too, it is important to set aside time and continue dating your partner! Even if it is just little adventures like trying a new coffee shop or going to a new dog park with your furry friends.
Make time to try new things together, see new sights, listen to new music, taste new foods, and have each day contain a little bit of excitement. Start with something simple like trying a new workout together or walking down a different path than you would usually take.
2. Have Fun on Your Own
Though it’s important to create quality time together, it’s also a good idea to create that quality time for yourself. Don’t give up your hobbies!
My husband is a very talented volleyball player. He does leagues at the SandBar, while I am more artistic, and into music and nature. I will do things like write an album or go on my favorite hike.
This solo time alone is so healthy to alleviate codependency and a loss of identity while being married. It keeps each individual inspired, and it’s exciting to be with a partner who is excited about doing what they love.
Here is one of my favorite quotes, that relates to this idea, from the book The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran:
“Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow
not in each other’s shadow.”
3. Give Your Partner the Space to Think for Themselves
I am a firm believer in the Socratic method, which fosters critical thinking skills to acquire answers for yourself. If you think deeply enough about your life, no guru, self-help book, or anyone else can hand you the answers that will be best for you. This is because no one else has experienced this life exactly as you have, with all of you talents, faults, and experiences. I believe that only you know your soul and your life. Therefore you are an expert on uncovering what will work best for you. It just takes some time and dedication on your part.
If you also believe in the Socratic method, then give your partner enough space to think for themselves, too. Your life is different from their experiences. That’s why controlling them will only push them into a box where they do not belong.
My partner and I have gone through moving countries, struggles on our fertility journey, job changes, financial burdens and financial freedom, having different religions, so on. The reason why I think we do so well on these challenges is because we believe in our partner and we believe that they are capable of thinking for themself - in the time and space that they need for that.
4. Don’t ever use the words “Always and Never”!
Don’t be a Sith Lord and think in absolutes! When you say to your partner “You always do this…” they most likely only sometimes do that. When you say “You never do this…” you are probably stating a lie again.
Most people are shades of gray in between the “always and never’s”. So don’t invalidate the work that your partner is putting in the relationship by making comments like “Always” and “Never”. They are almost ALWAYS NEVER true. (That’s some good English, there!)
5. Support throughout Time
There have been times when I have been struggling with life and my partner has had to be the strong one when I am depleted. Years later I have found that our roles constantly switch on and off. Sometimes I have skills and strengths that aid my partner more in their time of need, too.
This will happen financially, with mental health, career satisfaction, and for us, on our fertility journey, as well! As long as you can be there for one another, I have found that is really does balance out over time when you are with the right partner.
This article is coming from someone who had observed first-hand some damaging hardships that marriage can cause. I also had a broken off engagement prior to meeting my husband, and didn’t actually believe in a long-lasting love! It’s hard to imagine that I once felt that way now!
Meeting the right partner has felt easier and more “right” than I could imagine and it has made me a believer in love again!
I’m not saying marriage is right for everyone, or that I am an expert love guru. I definitely don’t claim to be, but by following these five steps, my partner and I have had a successful marriage and I know I’ll be squeezing his butt when I’m 80, too! Hope you found this helpful if you are newly married or engaged!
